Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
