The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize