just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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