I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
