I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
