She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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