So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
