Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
