Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
