I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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