Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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