fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
