i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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