We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
