the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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