Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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