They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
