Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
