the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
