Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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