oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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