You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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