so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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