awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dignity is for republicans.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Two words: blizzard sex
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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