your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize