i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
