the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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