I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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