just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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