Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
