I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
