Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize