You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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