I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
