I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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