Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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