my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
