The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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