I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My breasts were aching with rage.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
