She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize