Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am one with the molecules
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
