How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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