my sisters under your porch take her home
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
