So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
