in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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