Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
