fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
