and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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