he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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