$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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