They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
