there's paper in my vomit.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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