well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
