my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
