Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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