The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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