He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
