Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
